catharsis

There was a time when I had more things to say, and I said them better. Now I only perform some sort of catharsis, by spilling out whatever troubles my mind, acknowledging feelings and facts, in order to stay sane. I realized that I don't have a good voice either. I dream about playing the guitar and singing. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that only babies appreciate my soothing voice. I'm not talented, I'm only soothing. And I am glad to know it before I ever get up on stage. "America's got talent" made me aware of how unfortunate and unappealing can be the overconfidence of some people.

I am now a part time travel coordinator. I haven't quite started work, and it's not my ideal cup of tea. I am quite stuck in the idea of having a full time job with benefits, in the event of starting a family sometime in the future, as well as having regular income to show for when applying for an apartment lease.

I am still uneasy about myself. I still feel like a high percentage of my value comes from my intellectual achievements. And I can't escape this pattern after 17 years of relative success and recognition. My social skills and awareness, the ability to cook deliciously, have forethought and generosity with my skills and physical strength are only little bonuses. And yet I can't life half of life right now, just because in my mind this is not what it is supposed to be. A year ago I was at the peak of my frustration and stress, stuck in a lease and in a job that ate my soul from the inside out. And I felt like I had no escape. And I kept wondering if this is all that I am to expect from life. A crazy routine, always struggling to make ends meet, dreaming about change and upgrades... and then change started to happen. First with a great job offer and wonderful new routine, a little more income, new things to learn, applying new skills, learning new skills... and then more changes happened. And I admit, I wished for them so badly. I wanted to go to Romania for Christmas, i wanted to see my nephew Luca, I wanted to spend time in the snow and with my parents. And al that happened. And it was a dream come true. After over 6 months of somewhat free time, i started to crave routine, and to want my own place more than ever. We have done wonderful things setting up Altmannhaus, and I was here for that, putting to good use my experience and skills. But I miss my independence. My own paychecks, my power to gift others, and to plan adventurous trips across the ocean. I am still struggling to find the balance between accepting and enjoying the present, and working to improve it without getting frustrated and impatient. May God show me the Path, and put wisdom into my hear and mind...