a hard Tuesday

I had a rough day. I don't feel in tune with my soul, with God. I feel guilty as charged for all the things that I despise. I disapprove of the lack of order and the pure laziness and discouragement that settles in a life without direction. I need a higher purpose than me, but I pick and choose according to an asleep mind. I am lost without God. I feel so lost without Him. Conrad and mom asked me if they can do anything to help me... and nothing comes to my mind but for them to pray for me. My prayers to God are so constricted and mundane. I need a job, I need an income, I want a purpose and to be involved in something bigger than me. We have debt that needs to be paid. I am so distressed. I need God. I need him in every way and in every corner of my soul and mind and life. I need God to give me direction. I need God.

A day with Sarah D.- Sunday, June 27

fun Sunday

the bay bridge, cioa bella gelato

Girls time in San Francisco - June 26 (For Allie:)

catharsis

There was a time when I had more things to say, and I said them better. Now I only perform some sort of catharsis, by spilling out whatever troubles my mind, acknowledging feelings and facts, in order to stay sane. I realized that I don't have a good voice either. I dream about playing the guitar and singing. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that only babies appreciate my soothing voice. I'm not talented, I'm only soothing. And I am glad to know it before I ever get up on stage. "America's got talent" made me aware of how unfortunate and unappealing can be the overconfidence of some people.

I am now a part time travel coordinator. I haven't quite started work, and it's not my ideal cup of tea. I am quite stuck in the idea of having a full time job with benefits, in the event of starting a family sometime in the future, as well as having regular income to show for when applying for an apartment lease.

I am still uneasy about myself. I still feel like a high percentage of my value comes from my intellectual achievements. And I can't escape this pattern after 17 years of relative success and recognition. My social skills and awareness, the ability to cook deliciously, have forethought and generosity with my skills and physical strength are only little bonuses. And yet I can't life half of life right now, just because in my mind this is not what it is supposed to be. A year ago I was at the peak of my frustration and stress, stuck in a lease and in a job that ate my soul from the inside out. And I felt like I had no escape. And I kept wondering if this is all that I am to expect from life. A crazy routine, always struggling to make ends meet, dreaming about change and upgrades... and then change started to happen. First with a great job offer and wonderful new routine, a little more income, new things to learn, applying new skills, learning new skills... and then more changes happened. And I admit, I wished for them so badly. I wanted to go to Romania for Christmas, i wanted to see my nephew Luca, I wanted to spend time in the snow and with my parents. And al that happened. And it was a dream come true. After over 6 months of somewhat free time, i started to crave routine, and to want my own place more than ever. We have done wonderful things setting up Altmannhaus, and I was here for that, putting to good use my experience and skills. But I miss my independence. My own paychecks, my power to gift others, and to plan adventurous trips across the ocean. I am still struggling to find the balance between accepting and enjoying the present, and working to improve it without getting frustrated and impatient. May God show me the Path, and put wisdom into my hear and mind...

thoughts in the night

It's bed time. i decided to stay downstairs, with a cup of hot tea, and enjoy the peaceful of evening. Mom is playiing the piano. I don't want her to stop.She is in the living room while I'm in the family room on the blue chair, the chair where I rocked caleb to sleep in the middle of the night when he was but a few months old. it's dark outside, and a cool breze is coming through the window slightly opened. I think about the past, the present and the future. I feel a bit tearry yet hopeful and content. I'm PMS-ing I'm sure. I thre the freshly washed load of laundry in the dryer, and I sit here, rocking myself on this comfortable chair while I dream and write at the same time.
There is so much peace in this house. SO much peace and so much love. It is surreal to me. I loved my childhood and I love my parents, and I find it just pure blessing to be part of two WONDERFUL loving families twice in the same liftime. The secret of a happy fulfilled life is to take everything that comes your way as a gift and remember that this life is not about you, but it's about Something greater that you.

My beloved Father and friend, I understand that I am extra blessed with a third family. Yours. I thank you for the hope you fill my heart with, and the joy you embalm it with, I thank you for you care and you presence in my life. Home is where You are, and thank you for making me feel safe and at home thousands of miles away from the place you landed me first. I entrust my parents into your almighty hands. Please take care of their souls and their health on this earth. I pray that you would give them many blessed days to see their grandchildren born and see them grow. Thank you for our health and for the peace between us. You are an amazing God! So generous in everything you do for us. And we didn't do anything to deserve it. It's like you gave us the diploma the first day of being accepted to college. You are patient, and forgiving and righteous, and fair, you hear ackes for your stray children, and you gave your life for all of us. You gave us the freedom to search for you, and chose our paths, and yet you pursue our hearts with the most curteous attitide. You are an incredible Father and God. And you created al the beautiful things. My dearest friend and King, never let me go astray. Slap me silly if ever in the future I will fail to see the Truth. I never want to lose your sight. You fulfill my life and give it meaning. May I honor your name through everything I do in life. Thank you for meeting me so early, and walking side by side with me. I feel brave and strong because You are with me, and the fight I fight is in your name.
Blessed be your Name!

recunostinta

M-am uitat la un film asta seara si mi-am amintit de copilarie si de mama. Ma simt statornica, si hotarata si puternica, si toate astea nu vin de la mine. Imi amintesc de mama spunand ca tot ce isi doreste e ca noi, copii ei, sa avem parte de tot ce e mai bun, si sa-i intrecem pe ea si pe tata la invatatura si la impliniri. Mama nu si-a luat niciodata cuvantul inapoi, m-a invatat sa nu glumesc in vorbe si in fapte, si asa mi s-aextirpat glanda cu simtul umorului, nu ca nu stiu sa flumesc, dar primul instinct mi-e sa cred pe cuvant pe oricine, chiar si cand glumesc sau sunt sarcastici. Sarcasmul e cea mai ieftina forma a umorului. N-am auzit-o niciodata pe mama zicand ca e prea greu sau ca nu mai poate, desi stiu ca i-au fost incercate la limita puterile fizice si emotionale uneori. Am admirat-o dintotdeauna pe mama, desi uneori n-am inteles-o. Dar m-am straduit s-o inteleg. Si oricat de in urma as privi, hotararea cu care mama a umblat intotdeauna prin viata vine din credinta de nestramutat in Dumnezeu. A facut ce-a putut mai bine cu ce-a avut la momentul respectiv. Nu s-a amagit singura in legatura cu ce asteapta Dumnezeu de la ea. Cu integritate a inceput si sfarsit fiecare zi. Mi-e dor s-o am in apropiere. sa vorbim impreuna pana tarziu in noapte despre mari si minunate lucruri. Mama mea e ca o piatra pretioasa pe care o admir cu uimire si delectare, in prezent de la distanta.
Cand am luat permisul de conducere la 18 ani si am mers impreuna la biserica dimineata mi-a spus ca si-a dorit tare mult cand era tanara sa aiba o haina de piele si sa mearga pe motocicleta. wild and adventurous! si ca simte ca isi traieste visul prin mine. Am zburat cu parasuta, am facut ski nautic, am condus o barca, am facut alpinism pe half dome, am facut surf ...am cucerit lumea in multe feluri, si libertatea ce o simt cand dau tot ce am mai bun si imi umplu plamanii cu aer proaspat, toate astea se datoreaza parintilor mei, si felul in care mi-au dat aripi si m-au disciplinat in prealabil.
Mama si tata s-au intors din concediu dupa douasaptamani de hoinarit prin tara, as zice fara griji. Si ma bucur sa-i stiu bine. Parca departarea devine irelevanta atunci cand cei dragi sunt bine. Visez la vesnicie si ma odihnesc in incredintarea ca avel acelasi Imparat si Tata si Dumnezeu, omniprezent si atotputernic.
Sunt binecuvantata si plina de recunostinta pentru parntii minunati pe care ii am.

Making sushi with Allie, and Marilyn surprises me with her visit. I think she came 'cause she new there's gonna be sushi

At Maggie and Mike's pool on a hot Saturday

Alex and Vio in 2007 in Romania

what a week!

Such a busy day. I hate the morning routine question: what are you doing today. I always fill my days productively, but I rarely have a clear plan for the day ahead. My list for today ended up being huge! I always make a list, sometimes I put things on that I already did, just so I can check them off. I cleaned the house, vacuumed and moped, cleaned the bathrooms, did laundry and the dishes, I activated conrad's voice mail, I went grocery shopping, I got gas, I worked more on the movie I'm making for Caleb, I prepared my resumes for Monday, for the JobFair and learned more about the companies attending the fair. It has been a full day. Very productive... and yet, it seem that my focus is still on the financial productivity. Conrad was also very productive, working for two of his clients all day. I created a document on-line that tracks all his clients and the projects conrad is working on for them, and the cost and the payments. I take care of all the banking issues, tax savings, salary, credit card payments and other bills. I like doing this a lot. I'm still figuring out my role in life and my impact on this world. When having a full time job it's easy to slip into a robotic mode, following all the business rules already ingrained in my system, and when coming home at 5 I feel like i can veggie out on the couch and feel not even a gram of guilt for doing so.
I can do more though. Oh, how I wish I can get a good full time job. I always fill my time well after work anyway.

Conrad is so incredibly supportive of me in this season, and he genuinely appreciates my support and help in the Altmannhaus business. If only we could hold our own and save some money this season while waiting to move into our new place.

Oh, dear God, if anything, this is a season to rest in Conrad's love and grow in oneness while not trembling due to financial worries, like being kicked out of a lease for not making the outrageous rent payments.

It's weekend, and I hope what comes next will be relaxing and productive at the same time. I pray that God will bring our way his messengers and potential new colleagues and clients for our business. I pray God will make it clear to me what his plan for me is. May I rest in his power and love...

intense week

My heart is racing. it has been a weird week. there is so much to do and so little structure in my time. i have o discipline myself and self impose a routine. I lose track of time and goals. I question if this is the right path. I miss the love/hate relationship I had with my stressful sometimes boring full time job. I miss the constant pay and not having to justify every penny and every invoice and quote and contract. It may sound odd, but figuring out the fair price and living life at its fullest with unbent work-ethic and passion and wisdom is a full time job. I want to start and live my life in full honesty. Because one you bend your rules one never knows what essential rule will require bending against your will.

Anyway, something big is going to happen. I feel it in the air. All our senses are awakened, and we are all a little tired, physically and emotionally, and tense. I bike every day, even if only for a mile. The wind buzzing by my ears, the brisk air, the adrenaline, my legs working hard pedaling...

I am working on a video for Caleb's first birthday. I consolidated all the videos I took of him this past year, and we'll make it fun and artistic. A sweet memory for him to have for the years to come. Conrad like to splurge his family by spending money. I like to work hard to give unique gifts, like this video. I'm not a good gift giver. I rarely have the best ideas or the most accommodating budget. But I always try my best.

I hope this week will go by soothly, and I pray that whatever is good and soon to happen, to come our way fast and easy. I pray that God will do His mighty work with us and in us. I pray that I can see the path clearly...

"you are the everlasting God"

As I started updating my blog with pictures this song from church e singing in my head "I will wait upon the Lord, I will wait upon the Lord, my God, you reign forever, My God, you strong Deliverer! You are the everlasting God, you do not faint you don't grow weary..." And this paired with Psalm 25 that Brian shared with us on Sunday... it's so encouraging! It's so refreshing and outrageously simple that all we have to do is wait upon the Lord. Hear his voice and command and follow him. And the battle is not about us, it's about God and his kingdom. I forget such essential truths sometimes, when I let myself be overwhelmed by the future or even by the present, when I'm not sure if this is what Im supposed to be doing or if something else is expected from me. Whatever happened to my rich 1-on-1 with the CEO. Regain direction, touch base, share the progress or the failure so far, ask for guidance. God is the best CEO ever! Just keep your heart straight and your work ethic in-tune with His commands. We all make mistakes but He will never fire you if you come clean and take responsibility for your actions.

For the longest time I did let my job define who I am even though I didn't want to admit it. And it was not what I was doing, but the fact that I made an income. A reasonable steady income. I can't say that things didn't get better. I have lived the best few months ever. Making myself useful and available in all possible ways, even business wise, for Almannhaus, supporting Conrad and implementing new procedures and forms, and advising and approving and doing what I like out of passion. It is wonderful, except there is this nagging thought in my emotional memory that work is not supposed to be fun and random, and that we do need a steady income in order to move into our own place.
Anyway, I have a lot deeper thoughts when I'm not close to a computer, and I wish I could write down all the revelations and encouragements I receive from God through people, and song and events.
We have guests this week, and everybody in the family has been sick, except me. That's pretty weird. I enjoyed having them here. they are easy going and fun to talk to and spend time with.

Other than that, I biked every day since I got my new TREK. I love biking!

day trip in silicon valley with dan and kirsten

Winchester mystery house


Santana Row

the hot summer begins

sick days in the family

Conrad is sick. After Caleb got sick, Maggie followed, then Mike, then Allie, dad and now Conrad. And it's all so painful, with fever and throwing up. I have been under a lot of stress this week, wit hour translation proposal, and finding the right translators, deciding on a fair price after doing some market research, and with a lot going on in the family... with the lack of routine. I need to learn to breath normally, and avoid the shortness of breath... the yoga we started a week ago seems to have relaxed some joints that didn't need to be relaxed. I always rely on my muscle strength but all of a sudden my back joints hurt... not the muscles. I don't feel like doing yoga anymore. I'll keep exercising my way.
The hand-modeling gig is making me stressed. I never take extra care of my hand. I like to use them freely and intensely. Now I have this thing bugging me that I can't over bruise them or mess up my nails. I'm still being my usual self, but I don't want to lose my contract.
Other than that, I am still looking for a full time job with benefits and PTO. I like the order an outside job offers. And the constant pay. It's not depressing anymore, because we are making a little bit of money with our business... but it's not ideal. Working in an established setting one can learn from others, and leave the work at work when coming home.
Conrad and I are trying to implement a rule that we shouldn't talk about business after 9 PM. One would think that this shouldn't be hard, but our business talks and ideas are more rich after we lay our head n the pillow. Yet, it's not healthy and it's a bad habit.

I just wish that Conrad wouldn't be in so much pain... It pains me to see him suffer.

sleepover ...morning nap