housesitting week

a cold week. a silent week. a week of carrying for a puppy, having coffee withdrawals, struggling with patience and the unknown. we finally got the heat going. all we needed were some batteries to access the panel.
today i went over to help with caleb. mom hurt her back and maggie had an appointment. so i fed him a bottle and after playing a little bit while chatting with mom, i tried to put caleb to sleep, and he was so tired he wouldn't have it under no circumstances. so i held him as he fussed and sang to him and cuddled him. but nothing seemed to work. so i went down, let him play some more, and as he yawned and rubbed his eyes i held him close to me. and bounced him and snuggled with him and patiently waited for him to fall asleep. it's funny how babies sense our impatience. caleb seemed to ask me "don't give up on me yet." "i know i'm tired and cranky and loud, but please love me more, don't go, hug me and reassure me that no matter what you still love me." it may sound crazy, but we all need some type of reassurance once in a while, no matter how unlovable or unbearable we may feel like we are.
bailey needs play time and whenever i sit down he come and sits on my lap. he begs for attention and playtime and sometimes he is really really funny, but when it's raining outside, nothing comes easy.
it's a weird week and i had great hopes for a good turning point in my career, but i'm still on hold. maybe next week i'll know more. i'll have more going on.

in the mean time, we are celebrating allison's reception. and tonight we are going over to have dinner with mom and dad, and watch bones.

mind and heart

yesterday i realized something interesting, as I was playing frisbee with conrad and dad. I process information in my head, but when I act and react i use my instinct. It's a subtile combination of intuition, instinct and logic involved in my daily actions.
it's the same with my faith, when in doubt i reason with my knowledge of god and his promise and his faithfulness. it's all in my head and memories, but i have been in heaven with joy many times, or in god's arms with sorrow just as many times as well. i embrace pain and grief because the most beautiful things come out of those intense feelings. i admit i sometimes rationalize feeling into poems or even through this blog, but i savor the reality of everything that moves me.

picnic at the ocean

photoshoot

rain and smiles

It has been raining all day today. and yesterday we had crazy hail and heavy rain... but I love it! I love it I love it! In the summer it doesn't rain much, if at all, and I miss it.
this morning after talking about the wonders of this world for over an hour over coffee latte made by conrad, mom and i went shopping for a jacket for her to wear to allies reception. it was a not successful trip... many hours of wondering, but we had fun. it was a good morning. we came home and had lunch and talked some more about our past and our wonderful memories from childhood and the imperfections of this world, and as we were getting ready to bring our books and read in the living room by the fire while outside is still raining, I got a call from EZShield. They would like me in for a second interview on monday. and that makes me very happy. I connected with the recruiter and i learned so much more about the VP of Operations from LinkedIn, and I am just impressed with their accomplishments and knowledge and work ethic and the company itself. I would love to be part of the team, and I think I would fit in well.
But enough of the excitement. I am patiently waiting for the good things to happen... and till then I will be enjoying the rain.

Also, tonight I'll be seeing my great friends Alex, Pam and Gloria. Good day ahead. May God bless us all through it.

weekend in Livermore

Unexpectedly beautiful and memorable. We heard stories and cried and went through catharsis together.
I returned home refreshed and energized. After many months of retreat, a retreat brought me home.
We read psalms, we learned about David, about his journey with God and we wrote poems ourselves. Time stood still out there... and I'm so happy I was a part of that miracle.

EZShield, car issues and jobs

What a wild Wednesday we had. We woke up very early, I dressed up for the interview and we went first to drop off the car that had the check engine light on and we had to change the transmission oil for also. On the way to the interview we got lost and I called the guy to let him know I'm on my way but I got a little lost and I may be late. This never happens to me, but the guy was very nice and accommodating. The funny thing is that we shock hands right on the clock. We had an hour of talking and learning about each other and me about the company. It was a glorious time, and I believe I landed my dream job. I would be the Operations Project Manager, and I am so excited about it. God may have had indeed something better for me that I had to wait for. Until he sets up a time with the VP of operations to meet with me, I will be on hold, but he asked me not to take another job offer if I'm offer one this week, because he doesn't want to lose me. The pay is OK and the growth prospects are very encouraging. The place is right next to Stanford.
As we got home happy we got a call about our only car. It's in big trouble. It needs a lot of fixing and it will be very expensive. Ridiculously so! We don't have the money for it. We are scraping the bottom right now. But at least the perspective of having a great job is encouraging. $2900 worth of repairs. We might as well just buy a new car, ey!

Today I signed up for a house cleaning project. A friend would have hired somebody for the job anyway, and she though I might be interested in a little extra money. I said I am. And I will talk more about this experience as it will be processed in my little hear and mind, but right now I am happy to make some extra money.
Life is an interesting cycle of events and adventures. And I rest in God fully.

goals and rain

I never realized how goal oriented I am, and how sometimes I tend to live in the future, planning and dreaming, and being happy to do so.
Today I got three calls related to jobs, and I have an interview on wednesday with a company I like. I am more picky now with the leads I pursue. There are so many bogus companies out there. Conrad is making a call right now for a very promising job offer, and even if it rained the past three days, we feet a little encouraged.

Sunday class refreshment

It was good we went to the Sunday class before church. A few concepts were refreshed in my mind and heart. The energizing cycle, we had the concept in the back of our minds and probably acted accordingly in a non active way, but sometimes to do good is more that not do wrong and coast the inertia.
I am the one who know my husband in the deepest and most authentic and vulnerable way, and I can build his strength and encourage him to be the best he was created to be. Also, respect him, his being, his soul and self. That is despite his actions or performance. The way I expect him to love me unconditionally.
As I try to remember the conflicts we had in the past year, and become aware of my body language, if it's condescending or mean or disrespectful, I realize what I do most often is lower my shoulder in disappointment, and cry while sadness takes over, all this as I sit in silence facing Conrad. I had to stop and reassure Conrad that my disappointment is not in him, but in the frustration that I can't make my point across, that we are having an argument, that he is stubborn and doesn't agree with me, but almost always we become closer after we sweat through an argument until we get on a common ground.
I am cerebral by construction, and even if in the past I was not the best debater, I learned to be very eloquent in my discussions with Conrad. Use few words that can explain best my feelings, the context, the desired outcome, the solution, suggest a plan etc. It takes a lot of energy to do so, but we have accomplished so much by communicating effectively.
I carry my own weight ...and sometimes that doesn't leave much room for grace. Sometimes I wish I was not so calculated and steps ahead in my approach. Making genuine mistakes helps me relate better to Conrad, because he is a very gracious man... and I love the way he welcomes me in in arms and comforts me and protects me, forgives me and loves me unconditionally.

It was good to go to class. It was good to worship God today in church. It was good to pray this evening with mom and dad...

Physical work is very redeeming

A few weeks ago I found out how rewarding can weeding be. Pulling out bad grass from the stone walls, cutting the ivy, sweating in the sun can bestow such a joyful feeling.
This morning we woke up ready to help Howard and Alex move furniture in their new place. And after we got home and mom and dad went out on a date, movie and dinner (how romantic!) I got frustrated and decided to go vacuum. Caleb was here today and he started eating cereal, and also, we made bread this week and other crumbly stuff... in just a few days the hard wood floor was a wondrous place of little crumbs, unnoticeable but easily felt with the bare feet. Anyway, I moved chairs, I moved stools, and vacuumed my frustration away. Maybe the physical work is such a primordial action ingrained in my feeling memories... it makes me happy. And then, looking and the sparking clean floors behind me, after moping...

And now, I have a good reason to go get wet in the shower. Water makes me happy too!

When your fear of something is bigger that that something itself

I have wondered many time what would happen to us if I lose my job, what will we eat, where will we stay, how will we keep paying our bills, or the school loan... this gave me many sleepless nights, and made me furious at Conrad because he didn't ease my worry or didn't share my concerns. Or he just handled his worries differently.
But here we are now, 6 months after we both stopped working, Conrad by choice, gave hi notice two weeks before I got laid off.
One thing is amazing though. The fact that we have kept up with our bills and that we still have a few bucks in our accounts.

What is to be done now? I remember the one counseling session we went to right before going to Romania, when Conrad's assignment was to reassure me that he won't let me destitute and take part at sharing our worries about the future. And my assignment was to relax and try not to worry about our finances so much. We both did our best, and during the two months we spent in my parent's house, with no credit cards, with bills taken care of until March, I finally managed to get off my mind the financial worries, plans and other thoughts.

I don't feel destitute, and yet I feel homeless and jobless. And where is the balance between not worrying and being irresponsible?
What keeps us going most days is the fact that we have this vision in our heads that this won't last forever, and we still have fresh memories of our independent lives of routine and tiredness from working all day.

Nobody can really help us unless they have a job for us where we can earn an honest buck.
The opportunities that came our way these weeks shook us and made us be even more clear about how far we are willing to go, what are we willing to compromise, how badly we want a job. I fear that we haven't been stretched that far, but one thing I know: we are not willing to compromise our faith and our morals. We must exhaust all our options first and an easy way out is not an option. I am not going to translate porn sites nor conrad will design such websites. it's like selling drugs but you're ok as long as you don't consume them.

I'm still networking and searching and asking and applying for jobs, tomorrow I will have a professional review and rework of my resume... with Conrad's aunt's help. She is smart and kind. And I like her and her sister a lot.

Anyway, today we helped Howard and Alex move stuff into their first home. It's such a lovely place! Almost three years ago they were helping us move into our first place together. What an adventure that has been!

I keep thinking about this psalm song that we used to sing in Galati at Lord's Army. David was singing that when he was doing well he said and thought that he will never be shaken in his faith, but when God hid his face David became troubled in his hear and spirit. Faith is such a delicate matter. And it is the most real and true when you have no tangible and renewed proof to straighten it. Faith is believing that Jesus on the cross is the son of God, even though He is not flying off the cross just to prove Himself. Having faith is believing in God's power and loyal love for us, and ability to redeem us, even when we don't understand his process or plan.

One valuable thing I have right now is my relationship with Conrad, the love we have for each other and our marriage. And in times like these it's so easy for people to turn against each other. I have seen it all around me. My prayer is that God will give us both the wisdom to love each other and support each other and grow through hard times.
Friday, after a whole week of networking and job application to various places, expanding my career focus, lowering my standards in some cases, I decided to help Conrad get going with his applications. So I sat net to him, showed him where I got my ideas from, how to write a cover letter, and he did apply for 5 jobs that day, but I didn't feel any personal satisfaction for walking him through. Maybe because I still expect him to have self-motivation. It's a battle inside me, between getting used to the reality of things and adapt to new circumstances and demands, and my reasonable expectations from a husband according to this world's standards.

I love Conrad with my whole heart, mind and soul. And I remember all his gifts and his love for me that makes me blossom... and we are a team with the same goal. May I never forger this! May God bless us and keep us safe in our oneness.

"Put your big girl panties on and deal with it!"

This is not working anymore. We need a different approach. This whole week I have applied for maybe 50 jobs... and got a few calls back, but nothing really happened. And between Conrad and I, for 6 months we just played the grownups, doing a little freelance here a there, not nearly enough to pay any full monthly bill. We are still living off of our savings, and those are drying up faster and faster. I still have a few back up plans, but they are not the best ideas ever. We need something, anything, to keep us going.
Mom and dad are amazingly gracious to have us stay with them, and feed us and support us... but this isn't working for me anymore. I can't settle for being taken care of by my in-laws. I know they do this with a free long heart, but God gave me brains and hands to work with.
Oh God, please guide us today in our job hunt and encourage our minds and hearts...

On the front lawn... just a sunny April day

Beautiful morning hike with Conrad ... just a regular Wednesday

Monday Jobs

Today I had an interview that I've been looking forward to. A marketing position, working with people etc. I was excited, but then it turns out that it's commission based and that you can make most money on weekends, but you have to pull though with a very low salary the first 5-6 months. The interview went very well but I felt overqualified and underpaid.
The second funny thing that happened was a job offer I got, which sounded so good at first: good pay, benefits and PTO, in Sunnyvale, full time translator from English to Romanian ...except it was for an adult content website. I think I will pass. I do not approve of those kind of products, and I would compromise my mind and soul. It is funny and disturbing at the same time.
The job hunt is still on. Oh, God help us all!

Duminica invierii petrecuta cu bucurie si pace

Pasca de Pasti

sambata dinainte de sarbatoarea invierii