Psalm 25

Psalmi 25

1La Tine, Doamne, îmi înalţ sufletul.

2În Tine, Dumnezeule, mă încred: să nu fiu dat de ruşine, ca să nu se bucure vrăjmaşii mei de mine!

3Da, toţi cei ce nădăjduiesc în Tine nu vor fi daţi de ruşine: ci de ruşine vor fi daţi cei ce Te părăsesc fără temei.

4Arată-mi, Doamne, căile Tale, şi învaţă-mă cărările Tale.

5Povăţuieşte-mă în adevărul Tău, şi învaţă-mă; căci Tu eşti Dumnezeul mîntuirii mele, Tu eşti totdeauna nădejdea mea!

6Adu-Ţi aminte, Doamne, de îndurarea şi bunătatea Ta; căci sînt vecinice.

7Nu-Ţi aduce aminte de greşelile din tinereţa mea, nici de fărădelegile mele; ci adu-Ţi aminte de mine, după îndurarea Ta, pentru bunătatea Ta, Doamne!

8Domnul este bun şi drept: de aceea arată El păcătoşilor calea.

9El face pe cei smeriţi să umble în tot ce este drept. El învaţă pe cei smeriţi calea Sa.

10Toate cărările Domnului sînt îndurare şi credincioşie, pentru cei ce păzesc legămîntul şi poruncile Lui.

11Pentru Numele Tău, Doamne, iartă-mi fărădelegea, căci mare este!

12Cine este omul, care se teme de Domnul? Aceluia Domnul îi arată calea pe care trebuie s'o aleagă.

13El va locui în fericire, şi sămînţa lui va stăpîni ţara.

14Prietenia Domnului este pentru cei ce se tem de El, şi legămîntul făcut cu El le dă învăţătură.

15Eu îmi întorc necurmat ochii spre Domnul, căci El îmi va scoate picioarele din laţ.

16Priveşte-mă şi ai milă de mine, căci sînt părăsit şi nenorocit.

17Neliniştea inimii mele creşte: scoate-mă din necazul meu!

18Uită-Te la ticăloşia şi truda mea, şi iartă-mi toate păcatele mele.

19Vezi cît de mulţi sînt vrăjmaşii mei, şi cu ce ură mare mă urmăresc.

20Păzeşte-mi sufletul, şi scapă-mă! Nu mă lăsa să fiu dat de ruşine cînd mă încred în Tine!

21Să mă ocrotească nevinovăţia şi neprihănirea, cînd îmi pun nădejdea în Tine!

22Izbăveşte, Dumnezeule, pe Israel din toate necazurile lui.

Helium balloons

The end of first quarter

This is the season when I am least figured out. But I'm still me.
I have had the best talks with mom these days, and I feel like the world makes more sense now.
We agreed upon the fact that waiting for God's answer would be much easier if he gave us a time frame for the waiting part. Or if he could just tell me what is that I need to do in order to fix things, I would be more than happy to oblige Him. The unknown and the confusion is what makes life hard and complicated right now.
I have a hard time reading between the lines of Scripture. I have never been as impatient as I am now. But the message I got yesterday from a friend in Romania, that God has three answers to our prayers: "Yes", "Not yet" or "I have something better for you". That makes sense. Or that makes me like God's perspective. I don't think He is searching for my approval though... I strongly believe that there are times when this life is irrelevant to God, and His purpose for us is to get to know Him, and love Him and be holy.
I have learned to deal with the hard part of life, and work hard, and transform myself through a very intense physical process, but it's harder to build your faith on thin air, and not have any particular hardship but just having to wait on God. I confess that sometimes it seems proper to be discouraged in times like these, rather than be happy. But this morning I am happy. And I decided to take it as a gift, even if it may not last long. Right here, right now I feel content, and I want to hear whatever God has to tell me. ...Not to be misunderstood, when I am in distress I scramble for God's words of comfort and encouragement. And there are those times when I just fight with God... and I challenge Him, and here I am, walking my walk, in a maze or in a haze...

...un mesaj primit ieri

Faith

Remember that call I've been waiting for? I contacted the company, and a few days later I'e been told that they may postpone filling the position due to budgeting constraints. Understandable, and yet I've been waiting for this particular position to pan out.
We are back at square one, with less money in our savings and a little more discouragement in our pockets. Looking for a job in this economy is frustrating and discouraging. And as my good friend put it, most of the time you send out your resume to companies that are hiring, but I think that many of the application reach a black hole, where nobody even reviews them... there are so many.
When did the normality in our lives disappear? To years ago I was not much happier but I had an income. I remember Conrad lost his first job due to bankruptcy, and I was emotionally challenged at work. I was cleaning my cell phone text messages and I found a text message from the HR director encouraging me not to think about work and go talk to her first thing the next day. I cried in her office - and that caught me off guard. I dreaded going to work... but that was a different type of challenge. We barely made ends meet financially, with a high rent and three school loans, Conrad working part time only in the evening, and for a whole week I only saw Conrad in the morning before going to work, kissing him goodbye while he was asleep. In many ways those time were the worse we ever had to go through.

I keep trying to figure out what God wants from me. An old saying resonates in my head: "God gives you but he doesn't put it in your bag" and this motivates me to keep searching, keep asking keep working on finding a job. I have a hard time getting my hopes up for anything. Disappointment is hard to digest these days. Probably on day I will look back to this season and see more clear how God did his work with us and in us.
Yesterday I was praying like a little child with my eyes closed: "God, please give me a job, please give me a job!" and I felt for the first time in a long time how faith must feel for a child, that has no control over life, and all the child can do is pray with faith. I want to work, and I want to be useful to this society and be able to pay our bills. "knock and it will open for you, ask and it will be given to you"...

...acasa

probabil ca nu mi-as mai gasi locul acolo... dar mi-e dor. mi-e dor de oameni si de locuri si de limba. mi-e dor de copilarie...

Street corner

The Pursuit of Happiness, The Blind Side ...
I was driving to a store yesterday, following Alex and Pam in their car, and we stopped at a red light. There was a guy there, with a sign saying: "Hungry. Homeless. Need a job. Anything helps, even a smile :). God bless."
It broke my heart.
We turn our eyes away, we don't make eye contact with needy people, because they may ask something or we may have to face our guilt for not sharing. I drove away because I had no cash with me, and I felt how hard it was to look them in the eye and say "I see you", "I care" or "I'm sorry"... or I have no idea what.
We are blessed to have family and friends that invite us over for a warm meal and a loving hug, and they want to hear us or want to share their joy or sorrow with us.

I heard of someone who took a homeless person grocery shopping. And I think that is amazing... and I want to do it too someday. Not be afraid of the dirt or the smell or the unknown, and make time for someone, walk in a store with them and make a difference in people's mentality and attitude towards the homeless. This recession may bring out the humanity in us.
This kind of actions are not for fame or self-gratification. May God speak loud and clear to us when we are called to love our neighbor.

a day with kids

About yesterday

...I had such a weird day yesterday. I woke up to Conrad's invitation to join him at Barefoot, for his business meeting. I was anxious to get out of the house, but mom seemed a bit overwhelmed with the day ahead. It crossed my mind to stay at home and help her in case she needed my help, but I wasn't much of a good companion, and I couldn't resist the temptation of a breve latte. This week I have been feeling low, discouraged and not knowing how to build up my courage to go through the day, without faking it, draining my emergency bottle of optimism on regular low days. I decided to face head on my fears, and let myself sink to the bottom of the pool, just so I could reach it with my feet, to spring up fast, out of inertia.
So I did. I told God what was on my heart, and surprisingly I felt more convicted than ever, for all my thoughts and frustration and ungratefulness, and distrust and complaining, and pride and selfish justifications. I have no clue whatsoever what the plan is. Or if God is waiting for me to learn something in particular in this season of my life... sometimes I feel like the only thing I can do is stay afloat. I have a hard time not being independent.

We had guests at the house yesterday, with lots of cute kids. mom was joggling the day quite gracefully, but there were to many balls in the air. And I decided to make up for my selfish morning and fill in the gaps as well as I could. I believe the day ended well, and I got to play with two beautiful 1 year old twins, with a contagious laugh. And we went to bed happy and giggly, and Conrad and I chatted and played and fell asleep happy...

Sunday in the city ...picnic at the ocean

Therapy through weeding

I woke up happy as usual, but I realized it's saturday, and this day is no different than any other day of the week, and I got so discouraged by the lack of work in my life, real hard work that helps me go to bed happy and satisfied. Reading book after book doesn't bring me satisfaction anymore. It's like eating chocolate cake with out any restrictions... it's not satisfying anymore.
I believe in times like these people get hooked on drugs or alcohol. Lack of structure in their life, nothing to look forward to, free time in California is as good as it gets, and yet it doesn't feel good anymore.
I am not sure why the people I interviewed with hadn't contact me yet... when they said they will last week. Don't get me wrong, I don't believe they will pretend they lost my number. I worked there before, and they also know mw very well, plus I have family member who meet with those people on a daily basis... except on weekends :-p This waiting situation is beyond my control.
SO I decided to take out my frustration on the weds in the backyard. Mom started this morning and did half of the stone fence. It's hard work indeed. At noon I had a meltdown, realizing that I MUST do something or I'm going crazy, so while the weeding tools were available, I got to it. Put gloves on, but took them off shortly after since they were too small for my hands, and got going. Apparently I worked my way through the invasive greenery very fast... that is why I call it therapy. It helped me vent, exercise, sweat and feel real tiredness. Now resting has a sweet flavor. My muscles are soar and I have blisters on my right hand... but I am happy and satisfied. And I suspect mom is also pleased that I shared the work with her on a hot Spring day in California.

Analogy

God often compares his relationship with the mankind, with the relationship between a man and a woman. And his faithfulness and her rebellion, his forgiveness and so on. These days I was thinking that the relationship between an employer and an employee is similar to a dating couple. Job interview are similar to dates, people being nervous, getting to know each other, to see if they want to pursue further the relationship which must be mutually beneficial. And each may have multiple suitors, and eventually this ends up a bigamous relationship. I do not appreciate the polygamous relationships, part time jobs, part time rewards. Anyway, even after the engagement, things may end up and people go their separate ways. Changing employers after growing in the relationship, obviously something isn't going well, not enough excitement, not enough good challenges, not enough money or benefits... and the employee writes a goodbye letter, and the divorce is, in most cases, peacefully settled and agreed upon. But there are those times, when all of a sudden, the money supplier decides he needs to get rid of some people, and instead of a mutual decision upon the separation, there is a pink evil slip involved. "You are not needed anymore, and it's not you, it's us. Good bye and good luck." What a tragedy, unless you have a backup plan for your future, or another suitor waiting for your freedom...
I am still waiting for that stupid call. And the reason I made up the above analogy, it's because I feel like I'm waiting for a marriage proposal or something. I am nervous, and there is a 50-50 chance that the cal will give me hope and rest, or will distress me. The suspense is killing me right now. My heart is beating fast... it's rather nerve-wracking. I know I have lots to offer, and I would make a well treasured, dependable, good employee, and yet evereything seems to be a matter of chance, or just a first chance. Well, I would like to know already. It has been two weeks since the interview... Will they propose or not!

o zi libera

Vor avea noi poze in curand... dar in ultima vreme m-am delectat in lumina, fara intruziunea aparatului foto.
Azi am trimis spre Romania 3 DVD-uri cu filmuletul facut la botezul lui Luca si Matilda. Am facut o plimbare de 3 km pe jos, in racoarea diminetii de primavara in California.
Tocmai am terminat de citit Mandrie si Prejudecata. A fost o delectare si o placere sa imi reimprospatez memoria cu politeturile din vremurile aristocratice. Zilele astea imi aleg cu grija activitatile sociale, si nu ma dau in vant dupa mari petreceri, cu necunoscuti care reusesc fara intenie sa sotoceasca in cele mai sensibile buzunare dupa informatii care nu ii imbogatesc intelectual cu absolut nimic.

productive day

I forgot how much I love to spend time alone. Everybody left the house this morning, and I started my day in full speed. Put dishes away, started a load of laundry, finished editing the movie I have been putting off for over a month, and it's only noon. I plan to take my book out on the back porch and read in the sun for a while now. Today was a wonderful day, and tonight Allie is spending the night here. It doesn't get much better than this.
Full of energy and optimism, I let myself enjoy the rest of the afternoon.

A good day

Today was a good day. I got to go on a walk with Conrad... and the air smelled like summer. I made sarmale in grape leaves that came out extremely delicious, I read a third of Jane Austin's "Pride and Prejudice" and I took great pleasure in doing so. This morning I had no plan for today, and sometimes or most of the time I don't enjoy the idea of a free day. I feel like I'm going nuts, and I don't have the motivation to start little projects like woking on Luca's Baptism video I gathered some material for when I was in Romania.

Reading Pride and Prejudice in the spring time, and it's about the middle upper class people who don't really have jobs, but they go to balls, read book, walk around the garden, visit relatives or friends, write letters, knit or pick flowers in the garden, go horseback ridding, and they take pleasure in doing all these things, and it's nothing wrong with it, but I look forward to having an office job, doing things that I half like, that challenge me and make me nervous, working with people, and getting a paycheck every two weeks. The free time is not nearly as fun when I have plenty of it.

This week I am going to get a phone call that will either make me extremely happy or will discourage me greatly and afterwords I will have to start all over with my job hunt. We shall wait and see... But I can't stand not having a job anymore. I have people around all day, and it feels like I'm on vacation, cooking, eating goodies, having coffee in the morning, whenever I desire to get up... life seems good, but I need to be productive.
I pray God will open the right door at the right time, and I just hope and pray that a good job opportunity will be available for me soon. This Finance Admin position sounds pretty good to me right now...

Luca is a big boy now! I miss him so much!

Friends

I've been thinking about this concept of friends. Why do we have them? Why do we want them? Or do we want friends? Is it hard to make friends? Does it come natural to make friends? Do we ever wonder if we are odd or on the verge of losing our friends... and the list of random questions can continue.

I don't pursue friends. Never really did on purpose at least. They kind of happened to me. So what does that make me: a passive being without the power of choosing? I suspect not. In my heart I do make selective choices. And looking back I think I have offered my friendship to whomever has asked for it, as long as they weren't to much of a pain in the behind (not very christian-like of me). But that doesn't mean I have rested my soul wherever I happened to be.
Beyond my ability to decide consciously, I must find admirable traits in people in order to pursue them as friends. Love can be unconditional, but the liking part is more picky. We pursue a relationship with a potential spouse, not just for the sake of having a companion, we pursue someone to complete us, to bring out the best in us, to challenge us, someone we admire and like. And love is that fuel that will keep us going for years on.

Another cool concept: "A kindred spirit is someone who feels and thinks the way you do."

Putting this thoughts into words almost make me feel picky and choosy... and yet I have been an ignorant, loving my solitude yet loving people at the same time.

One needs a certain level of carefreeness to be himself: odd, unique, vulnerable, beautiful, not trying to please others or fit in, and letting nature to follow its course, yet being considerate of other's needs or personalities or personal space.
But overanalyzing all these concepts will drive one nuts. Friendship is to be lived and not overly processed as a concept.

I believe we have friends on probation, without even knowing it, and maybe never getting to the point of graduating them to the definitely friends category, unfortunately, because when the time comes to challenge out hearts or minds regarding our friends, do we offer them the benefit of the doubt? And do we patiently wait for the air to be cleared and not let the friendship be altered?

I have been blessed with kindred spirits, and I have a few very dear and treasured friends.
It's time to go out and play, be happy, offer joy and love and live. And when it arises, embrace pain and get over it.

Don't be afraid to be weird, don't be afraid to share your joy or your pain... the song or the concert of your being will adapt and synchronize somehow with the world.

I love you my friends. And you all know who you are.
Now it's time to go out and play with my best friend hubby :)

Shopping for my birthday with mom

I had the best shopping day ever. Or so it feels right now. It's a rainy Friday and mom and dad decided to offer me a birthday gift that consists in a "shopping for business clothes" session. It was a 45 minutes drive to the Outlet Mall in Gilroy, and we had a wonderful time talking serious stuff or just being goofy. Mom is an endless spring of joy, and she puts me at ease with her easy going way. Even if she wasn't my mother in law, I think we would still be friends. She is my mom, and yet I think we have a detached, or better called: independent type of friendship. Or maybe we just grew in our knowing each other, trusting each other, being at ease with each other's boundaries. I see mom how she loves her kids, her daughters, her son and her husband, how she goes out of her way to love them and comfort them and be there for them. And what is very cool also is that she knows how to have fun, and make time for herself and her friends. Mom is way more balanced than she wants to admit. :-p
She is different than my mama, but in spirit they are so alike. They are both true, sacrificial, fun and trustworthy. I love my moms, and oh, I'm so lucky to have TWO of them!

Sarbatoriri in familie

Ne-am adunat din nou in jurul mesei, toti noua din familia Altmann, patru cupluri si un bebe. Nu am mai fost asa toti impreuna inca dinainte sa plecam in Romania. Dinamica plina de viata, de cuvinte, de gangurit cu volum ridicat, de vorbit unii peste altii, si desi nu-i nimic neobisnuit intr-o familie mare, de ziua mea m-am simtit mica-mica si coplesita. Cu totii m-au inconjurat cu urari si cu dragoste, dar n-am apucat sa zic nimic la masa. Am suflat cuminte din lumanari, am desfacut cadourile si am zambit epuizata.
Dimineata m-am gandit la ai mei, si ca mi-as dori ca anul viitor sa imi sarbatoresc ziua impreuna cu ei. Dar am hotarat devreme sa ma bucur de ce am si nu de ce n-am de ziua mea. Totusi, spre seara, mi s-a pus un nod in gat, gandindu-ma la masa simpla de sarbatori cu ai mei, cu liniste si tihna, fiecare avand randul la vorba.
Tocmai weekendul trecut am stat la povesti si am ras si glumit impreuna cu fetele: Moni, Alex, Pam si Gloria. Si ma consoleaza gandul ca uneori contribui si eu cu ceva la masa de cuvinte si veselie.

B-day pictures, before the party crash

My birthday morning thoughts

Today it's my birthday. I woke up to a ton of birthday wishes on Facebook. Since California is 10 hours behind Romania, all my friends had all they to wish me nice things:) I woke up in my hubby's arms, who whispered in my ear: happy birthday!
It's a sunny day outside, warm and green and beautiful. Today I didn't have to go to work, even if it's a tuesday, because I still don't have a job. I'm waiting for a call this week, and I was hoping it will come today, as a birthday gift... to know that on Monday I have to go to work.

This whole week I kept hearing and telling others that: very little is needed to lead a happy life. And it's true. Whatever we receive in life, if we appreciate it, and we are not constantly thinking about everything else we are missing out on, or what we don't have, we have a pretty good chance to enjoy what we do have.

And last week I wrote my best friend an e-mail, a weird bunch of ideas that helped me figure out how I can enjoy myself and not carry unnecessary burdens. I am an interesting mix of an introvert and an extrovert, and while trying to overcompensate for people's imperfections, I lost track of who I am and what I can genuinely offer to those around me. I do care about people around me and their journey, but I also instinctively embrace the joy in the world, and I am weird and goofy and fun, and I shall not temper that side of who I am.

I decided to live life as what it is: a gift. I decided not to worry about tomorrow, more that it is necessary. I decided to do my very best every day, and love and be happy. I decided to trust God and give my every day to him, have grownup conversations with Him, childish chats with Him, worship Him and rejoice in Him.

I love and I am loved...

Stroll to the nearby park... Sunday after church

Sunny weekend with the family