Faith

Remember that call I've been waiting for? I contacted the company, and a few days later I'e been told that they may postpone filling the position due to budgeting constraints. Understandable, and yet I've been waiting for this particular position to pan out.
We are back at square one, with less money in our savings and a little more discouragement in our pockets. Looking for a job in this economy is frustrating and discouraging. And as my good friend put it, most of the time you send out your resume to companies that are hiring, but I think that many of the application reach a black hole, where nobody even reviews them... there are so many.
When did the normality in our lives disappear? To years ago I was not much happier but I had an income. I remember Conrad lost his first job due to bankruptcy, and I was emotionally challenged at work. I was cleaning my cell phone text messages and I found a text message from the HR director encouraging me not to think about work and go talk to her first thing the next day. I cried in her office - and that caught me off guard. I dreaded going to work... but that was a different type of challenge. We barely made ends meet financially, with a high rent and three school loans, Conrad working part time only in the evening, and for a whole week I only saw Conrad in the morning before going to work, kissing him goodbye while he was asleep. In many ways those time were the worse we ever had to go through.

I keep trying to figure out what God wants from me. An old saying resonates in my head: "God gives you but he doesn't put it in your bag" and this motivates me to keep searching, keep asking keep working on finding a job. I have a hard time getting my hopes up for anything. Disappointment is hard to digest these days. Probably on day I will look back to this season and see more clear how God did his work with us and in us.
Yesterday I was praying like a little child with my eyes closed: "God, please give me a job, please give me a job!" and I felt for the first time in a long time how faith must feel for a child, that has no control over life, and all the child can do is pray with faith. I want to work, and I want to be useful to this society and be able to pay our bills. "knock and it will open for you, ask and it will be given to you"...