Our rocky journey

I woke up this morning at 4, and don't know why. As I was lying in bed, trying to fall asleep again I thought about Samuel and how he was called by God in the night to listen to His word. I hoped it was easy, but all I can do is sit and meditate.
There is no recipe, and things are turned up side down.
I was thinking about my journey of unemployment, and how much I wished it to be different, and how focused I was on being independent again, and my wish was not granted. And yet God provided for us. What I feared the most happened to us. When I first put on my shoulders the burden of Conrad's school debt, even though i had no reason to fear unemployment at that time I kept thinking what will happen to us if we don't have jobs and we have to make payments of 500 a month. And here we are, 10month later... still on black, using up savings, giving up the stress for money. Today we have only a few hundred dollars to our name... and I keep applying for jobs, and Conrad is working hard doing design, and hope to get the next check to cover our mandatory bills.
I was so mad at Conrad when we are at our highest level of income. And God saved me from myself and my worldly view of life. And then I went through another season of selfishness thinking that the only problem with this picture is Conrad not taking care of his family. How wrong of me to think that, to separate myself from his being and let desperation come between us.
And then we went to Romania and I finally took the finances off my mind. I rested in the house where I grew up.
I have a hard time being depended upon Conrad's parents. And this arrangement will never be right, no matter how well we make it work. We have tasted the freedom and independence, and we will always aspire to that.
If anything, God has cured me of my anger this year, and judgment and frustration. I don't know how He did it. I have been demanding of God and of my spouse, I have had the arrogance of thinking that I know what is best for me and when I should receive answers from God for what i need.
We put off the idea of having a baby, even though we don't take great precautions to prevent getting pregnant. This was a total abandonment into God's plan for us.

I wish I knew what God has in store for us this year. But it's not for me to know, it's for us to find out at the right time.
May we work hard and do what is right in God's eyes, and trust in his care for us for the rest of our lives. Amin!