Am ascultat Pasarea Colibri cel mai mult in facultate, mergand la lucru sau la cursuri, pe iPod, si era timpul meu cu mine, cu gandurile mele, visand sau rugandu-ma, sau vindecandu-mi sufletul de una sau de alta. Mi-a insotit singuratatea cu bucurie si cantec... si ce bucurie inca!
The hardest thing this season is occasional feeling that I have no purpose. Because I don't have a consistent income. Personally. And my self-sufficiency is slowly cured, against my will. I think I was not supposed to pass through this world feeling like I only need what I choose to need an dI can have anyway. i allowed myself to be 100% vulnerable in the presence of my husband and get energized by his love and goofiness anytime and anywhere. But now I realize that am not entitled to everything that I receive: grace and friendship and love. The openness to it happens first in my mind, and it takes time to decide that I will simply let myself be loved and served, and there is nothing I can do to earn this type of grace.
I also had to let go of my view of what defines my new status. I went back to Romania multiple times, and I didn't realize what a blessing it was to visit family while on paid vacation, and have a cozy comfortable home of my own waiting for me here in California. I also went wild with gifting people. I thought this is the new age, of having a good income and being able to buy all the good things for people that I love and care for back in Romania. I did that when I was just a student and I thought now I can do this even more abundantly. But then my job loss happened. And I have to remind myself again and again that my love for my family does not translate only through gifts. It didn't used to be that way for the most part of my life. So why should I feel so distressed by this new (and yet old) reality.
I remember the joy of gifts, that my brother first introduced me to. His many trips outside the country and the little gifts he always brought to me: perfume and chocolate and later earrings.
I do have a purpose, and my life is not suspended into a void world while I don't have a job. I believe I have impacted many people in my free time.. and this was a delight to add to my luggage of memories.
At the same time, I was reminded yesterday that contentment is not influence by what happens to us but by the way we respond to the things that happen to us. I see so many people that have well paying jobs and are discontent. And want something else, something more, something just different. They have a cute home and they would trade it for freedom. I remember these feelings so clearly. I was there a year ago. I feared that this was all that I was to expect from my day to day life. I was drying up from the inside. And change came. And it was what I wanted, and then it was to much of it, and now we are living our dreams, but not quite the way we wanted them to be. We want to be independent again. We want to have our own place and I want health insurance so we can start planning for a baby in the future.
We are in our office now, in mom and dad's house, conrad is working and listening to music. I just sent my transcripts to a company I applied for a office manager job. They asked for my transcripts... and I find it encouraging... to have a company follow up with my application. mot of the time I have the impression that I am sending my CV into a big black hole of recruiting.
Indeed what matters most is what happens in us not what happens with us. And on that note, I decided to learn to live in the present and be open and teachable every day. God has met with my soul in a very genuine way, while reaching my strength's limit and having nowhere else to turn but Him. My true hope and joy comes from God and His presence in my life.
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