When your fear of something is bigger that that something itself

I have wondered many time what would happen to us if I lose my job, what will we eat, where will we stay, how will we keep paying our bills, or the school loan... this gave me many sleepless nights, and made me furious at Conrad because he didn't ease my worry or didn't share my concerns. Or he just handled his worries differently.
But here we are now, 6 months after we both stopped working, Conrad by choice, gave hi notice two weeks before I got laid off.
One thing is amazing though. The fact that we have kept up with our bills and that we still have a few bucks in our accounts.

What is to be done now? I remember the one counseling session we went to right before going to Romania, when Conrad's assignment was to reassure me that he won't let me destitute and take part at sharing our worries about the future. And my assignment was to relax and try not to worry about our finances so much. We both did our best, and during the two months we spent in my parent's house, with no credit cards, with bills taken care of until March, I finally managed to get off my mind the financial worries, plans and other thoughts.

I don't feel destitute, and yet I feel homeless and jobless. And where is the balance between not worrying and being irresponsible?
What keeps us going most days is the fact that we have this vision in our heads that this won't last forever, and we still have fresh memories of our independent lives of routine and tiredness from working all day.

Nobody can really help us unless they have a job for us where we can earn an honest buck.
The opportunities that came our way these weeks shook us and made us be even more clear about how far we are willing to go, what are we willing to compromise, how badly we want a job. I fear that we haven't been stretched that far, but one thing I know: we are not willing to compromise our faith and our morals. We must exhaust all our options first and an easy way out is not an option. I am not going to translate porn sites nor conrad will design such websites. it's like selling drugs but you're ok as long as you don't consume them.

I'm still networking and searching and asking and applying for jobs, tomorrow I will have a professional review and rework of my resume... with Conrad's aunt's help. She is smart and kind. And I like her and her sister a lot.

Anyway, today we helped Howard and Alex move stuff into their first home. It's such a lovely place! Almost three years ago they were helping us move into our first place together. What an adventure that has been!

I keep thinking about this psalm song that we used to sing in Galati at Lord's Army. David was singing that when he was doing well he said and thought that he will never be shaken in his faith, but when God hid his face David became troubled in his hear and spirit. Faith is such a delicate matter. And it is the most real and true when you have no tangible and renewed proof to straighten it. Faith is believing that Jesus on the cross is the son of God, even though He is not flying off the cross just to prove Himself. Having faith is believing in God's power and loyal love for us, and ability to redeem us, even when we don't understand his process or plan.

One valuable thing I have right now is my relationship with Conrad, the love we have for each other and our marriage. And in times like these it's so easy for people to turn against each other. I have seen it all around me. My prayer is that God will give us both the wisdom to love each other and support each other and grow through hard times.
Friday, after a whole week of networking and job application to various places, expanding my career focus, lowering my standards in some cases, I decided to help Conrad get going with his applications. So I sat net to him, showed him where I got my ideas from, how to write a cover letter, and he did apply for 5 jobs that day, but I didn't feel any personal satisfaction for walking him through. Maybe because I still expect him to have self-motivation. It's a battle inside me, between getting used to the reality of things and adapt to new circumstances and demands, and my reasonable expectations from a husband according to this world's standards.

I love Conrad with my whole heart, mind and soul. And I remember all his gifts and his love for me that makes me blossom... and we are a team with the same goal. May I never forger this! May God bless us and keep us safe in our oneness.