Girls time in San Francisco - June 26 (For Allie:)

catharsis

There was a time when I had more things to say, and I said them better. Now I only perform some sort of catharsis, by spilling out whatever troubles my mind, acknowledging feelings and facts, in order to stay sane. I realized that I don't have a good voice either. I dream about playing the guitar and singing. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that only babies appreciate my soothing voice. I'm not talented, I'm only soothing. And I am glad to know it before I ever get up on stage. "America's got talent" made me aware of how unfortunate and unappealing can be the overconfidence of some people.

I am now a part time travel coordinator. I haven't quite started work, and it's not my ideal cup of tea. I am quite stuck in the idea of having a full time job with benefits, in the event of starting a family sometime in the future, as well as having regular income to show for when applying for an apartment lease.

I am still uneasy about myself. I still feel like a high percentage of my value comes from my intellectual achievements. And I can't escape this pattern after 17 years of relative success and recognition. My social skills and awareness, the ability to cook deliciously, have forethought and generosity with my skills and physical strength are only little bonuses. And yet I can't life half of life right now, just because in my mind this is not what it is supposed to be. A year ago I was at the peak of my frustration and stress, stuck in a lease and in a job that ate my soul from the inside out. And I felt like I had no escape. And I kept wondering if this is all that I am to expect from life. A crazy routine, always struggling to make ends meet, dreaming about change and upgrades... and then change started to happen. First with a great job offer and wonderful new routine, a little more income, new things to learn, applying new skills, learning new skills... and then more changes happened. And I admit, I wished for them so badly. I wanted to go to Romania for Christmas, i wanted to see my nephew Luca, I wanted to spend time in the snow and with my parents. And al that happened. And it was a dream come true. After over 6 months of somewhat free time, i started to crave routine, and to want my own place more than ever. We have done wonderful things setting up Altmannhaus, and I was here for that, putting to good use my experience and skills. But I miss my independence. My own paychecks, my power to gift others, and to plan adventurous trips across the ocean. I am still struggling to find the balance between accepting and enjoying the present, and working to improve it without getting frustrated and impatient. May God show me the Path, and put wisdom into my hear and mind...

thoughts in the night

It's bed time. i decided to stay downstairs, with a cup of hot tea, and enjoy the peaceful of evening. Mom is playiing the piano. I don't want her to stop.She is in the living room while I'm in the family room on the blue chair, the chair where I rocked caleb to sleep in the middle of the night when he was but a few months old. it's dark outside, and a cool breze is coming through the window slightly opened. I think about the past, the present and the future. I feel a bit tearry yet hopeful and content. I'm PMS-ing I'm sure. I thre the freshly washed load of laundry in the dryer, and I sit here, rocking myself on this comfortable chair while I dream and write at the same time.
There is so much peace in this house. SO much peace and so much love. It is surreal to me. I loved my childhood and I love my parents, and I find it just pure blessing to be part of two WONDERFUL loving families twice in the same liftime. The secret of a happy fulfilled life is to take everything that comes your way as a gift and remember that this life is not about you, but it's about Something greater that you.

My beloved Father and friend, I understand that I am extra blessed with a third family. Yours. I thank you for the hope you fill my heart with, and the joy you embalm it with, I thank you for you care and you presence in my life. Home is where You are, and thank you for making me feel safe and at home thousands of miles away from the place you landed me first. I entrust my parents into your almighty hands. Please take care of their souls and their health on this earth. I pray that you would give them many blessed days to see their grandchildren born and see them grow. Thank you for our health and for the peace between us. You are an amazing God! So generous in everything you do for us. And we didn't do anything to deserve it. It's like you gave us the diploma the first day of being accepted to college. You are patient, and forgiving and righteous, and fair, you hear ackes for your stray children, and you gave your life for all of us. You gave us the freedom to search for you, and chose our paths, and yet you pursue our hearts with the most curteous attitide. You are an incredible Father and God. And you created al the beautiful things. My dearest friend and King, never let me go astray. Slap me silly if ever in the future I will fail to see the Truth. I never want to lose your sight. You fulfill my life and give it meaning. May I honor your name through everything I do in life. Thank you for meeting me so early, and walking side by side with me. I feel brave and strong because You are with me, and the fight I fight is in your name.
Blessed be your Name!

recunostinta

M-am uitat la un film asta seara si mi-am amintit de copilarie si de mama. Ma simt statornica, si hotarata si puternica, si toate astea nu vin de la mine. Imi amintesc de mama spunand ca tot ce isi doreste e ca noi, copii ei, sa avem parte de tot ce e mai bun, si sa-i intrecem pe ea si pe tata la invatatura si la impliniri. Mama nu si-a luat niciodata cuvantul inapoi, m-a invatat sa nu glumesc in vorbe si in fapte, si asa mi s-aextirpat glanda cu simtul umorului, nu ca nu stiu sa flumesc, dar primul instinct mi-e sa cred pe cuvant pe oricine, chiar si cand glumesc sau sunt sarcastici. Sarcasmul e cea mai ieftina forma a umorului. N-am auzit-o niciodata pe mama zicand ca e prea greu sau ca nu mai poate, desi stiu ca i-au fost incercate la limita puterile fizice si emotionale uneori. Am admirat-o dintotdeauna pe mama, desi uneori n-am inteles-o. Dar m-am straduit s-o inteleg. Si oricat de in urma as privi, hotararea cu care mama a umblat intotdeauna prin viata vine din credinta de nestramutat in Dumnezeu. A facut ce-a putut mai bine cu ce-a avut la momentul respectiv. Nu s-a amagit singura in legatura cu ce asteapta Dumnezeu de la ea. Cu integritate a inceput si sfarsit fiecare zi. Mi-e dor s-o am in apropiere. sa vorbim impreuna pana tarziu in noapte despre mari si minunate lucruri. Mama mea e ca o piatra pretioasa pe care o admir cu uimire si delectare, in prezent de la distanta.
Cand am luat permisul de conducere la 18 ani si am mers impreuna la biserica dimineata mi-a spus ca si-a dorit tare mult cand era tanara sa aiba o haina de piele si sa mearga pe motocicleta. wild and adventurous! si ca simte ca isi traieste visul prin mine. Am zburat cu parasuta, am facut ski nautic, am condus o barca, am facut alpinism pe half dome, am facut surf ...am cucerit lumea in multe feluri, si libertatea ce o simt cand dau tot ce am mai bun si imi umplu plamanii cu aer proaspat, toate astea se datoreaza parintilor mei, si felul in care mi-au dat aripi si m-au disciplinat in prealabil.
Mama si tata s-au intors din concediu dupa douasaptamani de hoinarit prin tara, as zice fara griji. Si ma bucur sa-i stiu bine. Parca departarea devine irelevanta atunci cand cei dragi sunt bine. Visez la vesnicie si ma odihnesc in incredintarea ca avel acelasi Imparat si Tata si Dumnezeu, omniprezent si atotputernic.
Sunt binecuvantata si plina de recunostinta pentru parntii minunati pe care ii am.

Making sushi with Allie, and Marilyn surprises me with her visit. I think she came 'cause she new there's gonna be sushi

At Maggie and Mike's pool on a hot Saturday

Alex and Vio in 2007 in Romania