We have been running away from community and people, and isolating ourselves, Conrad and I, because it felt good to be alone. We are introverts and when times were rough we didn't have the energy or the creativity to make small talk with people, especially from church... It was surprisingly harder to be part of the community and yet be who we were, struggling financially, at time overwhelmed, so not so much fun to be around, unless we could just be... Be ourselves.

I remember a birthday party we went to and it was painful. Really painful. There we were, awkward, surrounded by families, talking about kids (that we don't have) and about jobs.. And i hated how fake and struggled our simple conversations felt. And i think it was our own fault that we ouched our friends away, the few that we had, because they came as a package with their own friends or because we didn't know how to keep the friendships and still be ourselves, in the mess we were. It takes a lot of work to start fresh with the same friends. Sometimes it's easier to make new friends. But why to i care? This is how i have always been. A loner. And so was Conrad. And besides the very close friendships i have built in years in cluj, i wasn't present at every event organized by the popular young people in cluj.
I also struggle in my head with this acceptance issue. I don't care, but i cant afford to be indifferent to it now that im a junior high leader. I am the outsider but the girls have been so welcoming and inviting and fun and friendly... Apparently i take a long time to build real friendships. I want to serve and love them, but when we come together on sunday, all kids have their own groups, and all of a sudden i get to live my personal junior high awkward experience that i never had the chance to live. (I was independent and enjoyed it)
I know my colleagues like me, i know i have great friends in church whose friendships i pursue and i am encouraged by, but i know best who i am and what to do when I'm on my own. Life must be lived and not constantly analyzed.
Nonetheless, my closest friend here have been a part of big important events in other friends' lives that i thought we are close to, and yet we weren't included. I am aware that it has been a long time of silence and distance, but now we are back but not part of the same circles anymore. I don't know why it hurts but it does. I am suddenly reconsidering where i stand with some friendships i thought meant more that they do in reality.

Many times, what happens is that we sit around and wait to be included and we do nothing ourselves to build relationships. People move on, and i have pushed people away or i didn't pursue them. I said many times that i am already spent between the family and the very close friends that i get to see once a week or every few weeks in a personal setting, and these are my very well defined friendships. I know where i stand and where they stand...

I just wish i knew how to create a better atmosphere for my JH girls and not to automatically drift into my loner lovely independent mode.
Other that that, my best friend Conrad brings me joy and comfort and fill my heart with his love and friendship. And i am grateful for the handful of people that love and accept me, and we can just hang out in silence and feel Ike we had the best day together ever.

Still figuring out the socials life far away from home...