A random Tuesday

I woke up not with my usual happy hopeful mood. Last night before I went to bed I read an e-mail from one of the directors I interviewed with, saying that they still need more time to decide on whom to hire. I wrote a few e-mails, following up on some other job leads, and went downstairs to read our morning psalm with conrad. It was Psalm 18 today, a long one, but a psalm of gratitude, confirmation and hope. David wrote it after he was delivered from his enemies' hands and especially Saul. I keep getting insights from the other side of the storm, about grateful people who have seen God's hand at work and a thankful and rest in Him. After we read the psalm I was sharing with Conrad how I feel loopy. My brain seems to spin in circles, and I have no other resources and ideas, or I just feel discouraged. I can't afford to lose hope, and I am still applying for new jobs while waiting for an answer from those that seem like they have a great potential. I am afraid of disappointment. I had my hope up a few times and it all crumbled when I least expected. And socially I am most equipped, but in the professional world I feel vulnerable, because I can't just quit. I need an income, I need to survive, and I can't wait to reengage my mind full time in a challenging work environment.
I am still trying to figure God out, and I think that if I learn this one lesson that He wants to teach it to me, I will exit this crazy cycle of joblessness, or He will speak to me loud and clear. But no, it's all a blur, and I am not sure what I am supposed to learn now, or what exactly is expected from me. Life is not hard except through this emotional challenge of waiting. I embraced the humbleness of depending on others, and I welcome mom and dad's love and grace in having us in their home. I started to dream smaller, I only what to have a job to be able to pay for our latest car repairs and the school loans. But then I remember God is a lot more powerful, and has a lot bigger plans for me. I just need to wait on him, and be patient, and honor him with my daily actions and attitude.
I feel like I'm a player in a baseball game, and I have been on the bench for so long, I even forgot how to play. The off game training is not doing it for me. I am so impatient and anxious to go out on the field and win the game. And yet, the Coach is keeping me on the bench. And has no intentions to let me in on his strategy, give me a timeline... anything.

I got a prescreening call today. My resume is being passed on now to the actual company that is hiring. I keep myself busy cleaning and doing little chores around the house. I prepared dinner by chopping the veggies, I cleaned the grill (it will be a surprise for mom) and I went to play frisbee in the park with Conrad.
Tonight I'm going to videotape Howard's answers for the Q&A game, in preparation for Alex's bridal shower.

It's a hot day and I got a suntan on my back... life's good even when I'm not familiar with the Script.